boyfriend found blog.

life just became hell.

don't know when/if i'll be able to come back.

stay strong ladies, wishing you all the best of luck.

xoxo

weighing in rules

scale says 140.6

about 1/2 lb away from goal weight #1!

breakfast:
coffee (25)

lunch:
water

dinner:
2 small grilled cheese sammiches
-- 4 slices low-cal bread (180)
-- 2 slices fat-free cheese (50)
coffee (25)
(250)

skinny girl total: 280 (limit 500)
actual total: 280 calories

* * * * *

very close to my first goal weight! hopefully tomorrow!

because of that, i wanted to set some weighing in rules for the goal weights.

i weigh in every morning undressed, before eating or drinking anything. for a goal weight to actually count, i have to weigh in at or below that goal weight for three consecutive days. only then will i allow myself to celebrate. though i'm pretty sure i wont gain after i reach a goal. nothing like hitting a goal weight to motivate you into fasting for a few days so it sticks!

writing about goal weight rewards tomorrow :)

not a long post today because i'm going to go eat some cheesy melty sammiches. god i love low-cal bread and fat free cheese. since bread and cheese are some of my fav foods, the low-cal options prevent so many binges. instead of eating 600 calorie mac and cheese, i'm eating less than half that for a meal that's just as filling.

think thin!

xoxo

almost

yesterday's stats:

scale: 142.8

foods:
2x coffee w/ sugar = 50 cals
cabbage cooked with margarine = 85 cals
skinny girl total: 75 (limit 300)
actual total: 135 calories

* * * * *

today's scale: 141.4

back on track like the weird gain never even happened.


breakfast:
coffee (25)

lunch:
chicken noodle soup (120)

dinner:
coffee (25)

skinny girl total: 170 (limit 450)
actual total: 170 calories

* * * * *

i almost lost control. almost? well, no. i did lose control. but it didn't result in a binge.

let me explain...

i've been having baaaaaad cravings these last few days. it's like the fact that i haven't been eating much at all lately is encouraging the ugly part of me who doesn't care about being fat. there's this voice in my head encouraging me to eat horrible foods. it's not helping that i work at a restaurant.

"it'd be so easy," the voice says. "the food is looking so good today, and it could be on your tongue and inside your stomach in a matter of minutes."

and then this happens:

i haven't gone shopping in a while and we're out of food. boyfriend suggests going out to eat. i try all the excuses. i'm too broke to spend that much money at a restaurant. boyfriend says he'll buy. we've been doing so good at not eating food that's bad for us. boyfriend says it's okay every once in a while, and we should treat ourselves.

the skinny person in me starts calculating calories in case she is forced to go. she starts wondering about the safest items to order. she's terrified that she might not know the exact calorie count-- because how can you with all the extra grease and oil they put on that shit? she feels sick. panic starts rising in her chest. 

the ugly fat person in me is excited. she wants a burger, and some fries, and a coke, and dessert. her voice gets louder. come on, we're practically being forced to eat anyway, she purrs. might as well stuff ourselves. if you're going to be bad, at least do it right. punishment can come later, for now i want to eat until my hands and lips are greasy with food and my stomach feels like it might explode. it's so easy to give in, we've got to keep up appearances. there's no way out of it, darling, might as well go all out.

i couldn't make the decision. boyfriend and i are driving home and we're coming to the exit and he says "do you want to go out?" and part of me screams no and part of me is already planning to get bacon on my burger and the words yes are on my lips but i can't trust myself with this decision so i say "it's totally up to you, i don't care either way".

so he drives past the exit and we go straight home.

i've never felt a stranger sense of both extreme relief and extreme disappointment. the weird part is, the disappointment was for both sides. the ugly side of me was sad she didn't get to eat, and the skinny part of me was disappointed in her willpower. she almost said yes. she was going to say yes. she didn't make the decision not to eat-- someone else did. she avoided the food in the end, but it wasn't her doing. she was weak. and that's scary, because i need her to be stronger than the fat part of me. i need her to win.

i got out of it that time, but this ugly part of me is still inside, talking, craving, encouraging. i'm starting to worry that the only way to shut this bitch up is with a cheeseburger. this thought both terrifies and pleases me. either way, the not eating has rewarded me, and i'm only a pound and a half from my first weight goal.

stay strong lovlies, even though it's hard. nothing worth having is going to come easy, and skinny is definitely worth it.

xoxo

skinny girl diet week 3

scale says: 143.2

argghhh wtf!

breakfast:
coffee w/ tsp sugar (25)

lunch:
fat-free yogurt (90)

dinner:
veggie burger (70)
bun (120)
cheese (25)
salsa (15)
lettuce (5)
(235)

skinny girl total: 345 (limit 400)
actual total: 350 calories

* * * * *

i'm super bummed i gained. i know it's prob just weight fluctuations, so i'm not extremely upset, but i was really hoping that week 3 would have the biggest loss, and now with about a 1/2 lb gain i'm not even close. grrrrrr.

anyway, onto the stats and week 3 wrap-up:

weight

starting weight (monday 10/11) 146.6

ending weight (monday 10/18) 143.2

loss of 3.4 lbs in second week!

(week 1 was a 4.6 lb loss)

(week 2 was a 2.4 lb loss)

loss of 10.4 lbs so far for skinny girl!
including today (monday) there are 9 days left, 

and with the .5 lb/day loss rate i've been maintaining,

i should lose another 4.5 lbs, putting me at a loss of 15 lbs overall.

intake

day (limit) sgd total -- actual total

mon (400) 230 -- 235

tues (300) 240 --295

wed (400) 345 -- 355

thurs (450) 275 -- 310

fri (500) 315 -- 320

sat (650) 415 -- 420

sun (700) 255 -- 260

total limit: 3400

total sgd calories: 2075

total overall calories: 2195

didn't go over any days, stayed well below the total limit,

 but it also looks like i ate very few fruits and veggies. yikes.

i didn't lose the most weight this week (grrr)

i did accomplish the goal of eating the least amount of overall calories (yay).

i won't be doing a week 4 update next monday,

because the last day of sgd is tuesday

 so i'll be doing a "skinny girl diet" post on wednesday,

 detailing my experience/results with the whole 30-day diet.

stay lovely, girlies!

xoxo

gum

scale says: 142.8

i have to lose 1 lb or more by tomorrow morn to set the new record, and unfortunately i don't think i quite made it. it'll still be a good week, but not a record breaking week!

breakfast:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)

skipped lunch

dinner:
veggie burger (70)
bun (120)
cheese (25)
salsa (15)
lettuce (5)
(235)

skinny girl total: 255 (limit 700)
actual total: 260

* * * * *

woo i'm almost all caught up on blogs! still have a few more to hit, but unfortunately those will have to wait until tomorrow!

had my first boca burger tonight. of course, i put a nice tablespoon of super spicy habanero salsa on the burger, and that pretty much overpowered any taste! it was really good, and combined with the fat-free cheese and toasted bun, it was totally yummy and totally low-cal.

had a pretty good week, no going over the limits, no binging, though i was really tempted a few times! i don't think i lost a whole pound today, but for the week i'm guessing i lost just over 4 lbs, which is fine with me! keep the losses coming.

short post tonight, but i had a question for you.

sometimes i chew gum, but i haven't been recording this, because chewing gum for 30 minutes will burn 5 calories, thus negating the calories (if you chew for at least 30 min anyway.) so do you ladies count every single last calorie? do you count calories in gum, and diet soda, and a single leaf of lettuce?

do you calculate less calories if a slice of bread is missing a little chunk? do you weigh out your food portions so they're exact? if you eat a cereal with almonds and bran flakes do you adjust the calories per serving if your bowl has a lot more almonds than average?

just some things that have been on my mind lately, because i count calories and restrict and limit, but i really don't care about the calories in gum because i burn them right off and then some.

hope your weekend was well!

xoxo

ahhh

scale says: 143.4

if i can get below 142 by monday, week three of sgd will have the biggest weight loss yet! it will be hard, but it's definitely doable!

breakfast:
oatmeal w/ honey and cinnamon (165)
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)

dinner:
turkey club sandwich
-- 2 slices low-cal bread (90)
-- 2 ounces lean turkey (50)
-- 1 slice turkey bacon (35)
-- 1 slice low-fat cheese (25)
-- lettuce (5)
(205 calories)

skinny girl total: 415 (limit 650)
actual total: 420 calories

* * * * *

ahhh! another late night.

i feel so bad for not getting around to reading all of your lovely blogs.

i will try super super hard to do it tomorrow night.

weekend has been crazy busy,

but i haven't fucked up my restricting,

so it's been a good weekend :)

see you all soon, beautiful ladies!

xoxo

late

scale says: 144.0

down about 1/2 lb. i worked for five hours today, so hopefully i'll drop a bit more by tomorrow.

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
fat-free yogurt (90)
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)

dinner:
turkey club sandwich
-- 2 slices low-cal bread (90)
-- 2 ounces lean turkey (50)
-- 1 slice turkey bacon (35)
-- 1 slice low-fat cheese (25)
-- lettuce (5)
(205 calories)

skinny girl total: 315 (limit 500)
actual total: 320 calories

* * * * *

got in very late, so no time to read or write a post. 

need to sleep, but wanted to record my intake at least.

proper blogging to resume tomorrow.

stay beautiful girlies, i love you all!

xoxo

weight loss

scale says: 144.4

woo! lower half of the 140s! now just gotta keep it that way.

breakfast:
cereal (110)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp sugar (25)

dinner:
baked chicken breast (140)
green beans (35)
(175)

skinny girl total: 275 (limit 450)
actual total: 310 calories

* * * * *

i've dropped over 10 lbs but i don't feel any different. when i look in the mirror i don't notice any difference. my boyfriend, who sees my naked body every day, hasn't commented on any difference.

and i'm wondering if it's always going to be like this. will i ever notice the weight loss? will it ever be enough?

i want bones, and sunken cheeks, and thighs that don't touch even if you try to force them together.

i want to be skinny. i hope i start seeing some difference in the mirror soon. at least a glimmer of hope, a possibility of thin, to keep me going.

because right now my hope is drowning in fat, and i need bones to cling to.

hope you all are doing well. stay strong lovlies!

xoxo

25%

scale says: 145.0

quite happy with 1 lb loss. i'm sure it's partially thanks to working last night-- five hours of non-stop walking, moving, cleaning, carrying things really helped.

breakfast:
fat-free yogurt (90)

lunch:
nothing

dinner:
2 oz boneless skinless chicken (60)
tortilla (130)
fat free cheese (25)
1/8 c. onions (10)
tablespoon salsa (15)
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)
(265)

skinny girl total: 345 (limit 400)
actual total: 355 calories

* * * * *

i know i said i was cutting sugar out of my diet but i'm a big fat liar. black coffee is just so blech, and i forgot to grab sugar packets to test out the artificial sweeteners. i'll do it soon, because the sugar is just empty calories and eating it makes me feel so guilty.

when i got my scale i weighed in at 155.8 and set my goal weight at 115, about a 40 lb loss. today i weighed in at 145, which means i've lost over 10 lbs, and which means i'm officially 25% of the way to my goal! i'm very pleased with this, especially because it didn't take very long, but i know that these first 10 lbs were the easiest. it will only get harder from here. and those last 10 will cling to my body for ever and ever.

but i will drop the weight, every last bit of it. the 1 lb loss has me feeling motivated. it also has me gunning for any extra shift i can get at work. i mean, i get to be constantly moving and losing calories, i get to skip meals and not even feel hungry because i'm just too busy, and i get to make money! talk about a win-win-win situation. and there's nothing better than burning calories like crazy and not even realizing you're doing it!

stay beautiful, girls!

xoxo

body shape

scale says: 146.0

losing again! can't wait to get below 145 and be in the lower half of the 140s!

breakfast:
orange (40)

lunch:
black coffee (10)

dinner:
2 oz boneless skinless chicken (60)
tortilla (130)
fat free cheese (25)
1/4 c. onions and bell peppers (15)
tablespoon salsa (15)
(245)

skinny girl total: 240 (limit 300)
actual total: 295

* * * * *

.

my upper body has always been on the skinny side. small chest, small arms, bony shoulders. my collarbone has never been lost deeply in fat, you can always see the outline of it. when i stand up straight you can even see the outlines of my ribs. i like that. i like seeing them, because the lines are so pretty, and i can't wait to get rid of the fat still covering them. now that i've lost some weight, i can even see faint outlines of my hipbones again. i can't wait til they're really out there and obvious.

on the other hand, my lower body has always been heavy. my thighs are monstrous and i have a huge butt. i have love handles that hang over whenever i wear tight pants. but mostly it's my thighs. that's the body part that needs the most work, for sure. i have no gap between my thighs. not even a sliver. they smoosh together, and when i wear a skirt they rub together and it's really uncomfortable and i hate it because it makes me super-aware that i have huge thighs so i just don't wear skirts, even though i look good in skirts that cover my thighs because my upper body is not super chunky. in pants you can really see how big my hips/butt/thighs are

according to most magazines, i have a "pear shaped" body. i hate it. in high school i had a body like a ruler. straight, flat, no curves. i want to get back to that. hopefully soon i can.

hope your week is off to a great start!
xoxo

skinny girl diet week 2

 scale says: 146.6

same as yesterday. looks like by fasting i avoided a gain. i'll be fasting for today as well, up 'til dinner at least, when i'll have to eat with boyfriend.

breakfast & lunch:
nothing, just water

dinner:
2 oz boneless skinless chicken (60)
tortilla (130)
fat free cheese (25)
1/4 c. onions and bell peppers (15)
tablespoon salsa (15)
(245)

skinny girl total: 230 (limit: 400)
actual total: 245 calories

* * * * *

week 2 of skinny girl diet complete! i wish i could have maintained my streak, but i went over calorie limit for one day this week. my weight loss is also slowing, and i can actually feel that my metabolism has slowed down. it's like my body knows it's getting less food, so it expects less, it works with what it gets, and i'm not nearly as hungry this week as i was last week. i mean, i'm just broke a 40 hour water fast because i had to eat dinner with boyfriend, not because i was even remotely hungry. so we'll see what next week brings.

weight

starting weight (sunday 10/3) 149.0

ending weight (monday 10/11) 146.6

loss of 2.4 lbs in second week!

loss of 7 lbs so far for skinny girl!

(with this adjusted rate, i'm losing about .5 lb/day 

which means i'll lose 15 lbs over the course of skinny girl diet)

intake

day (limit) sgd total -- actual total

mon (400) 149 -- 149

tues (300) 209 --289

wed (400) 248 -- 308

thurs (500) 205 -- 355

fri (450) 210 -- 210

sat (650) 1770 -- 1800

sun (700) 0 -- 0

total limit: 3400

total sgd calories: 2791

total overall calories: 3111

even with my mess-up, i didn't exceed the weekly allowance,
so i didn't do too bad. 

the sunday fast helped a lot though.

i'm setting a goal:
week three will be my best week yet. i'll eat the least and i'll lose the most.

xoxo

zero

scale says: 146.6

i'm scared it will go up because of my fuck-up yesterday. like, really really scared.

ate nothing today, and drank nothing but water.

total calories: a nice empty 0.

* * * * *

didn't have time to do the salt water flush, but finished the rest of my to-do list. well, i wish i would have worked out more, but i wasn't feeling so great after alcohol/greasy food last night and just water today.

i'm happy with my fast today. i didn't even drink tea or coffee, even though i had some cravings. i would like to keep the fast going, but i'll probably have to eat tomorrow at some point to appease boyfriend.

i really like this feeling though. i'm not totally empty-- i can still feel that food from last night in me, but just knowing i consumed zero calories today feels good. i'm not even that hungry now. i feel like i could do this forever and then maybe i'd be happy.

anyway, thank you all for your supportive comments. i haven't had a lot of time in front of the computer, so i'll be hitting all your blogs up tomorrow to read and comment.

tomorrow is a new day, a new week, a fresh chance to do good. 

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

yesterday

yesterday the scale said: 146.2

which means that gain really was nothing, because after a day of liquid fasting (aside from breakfast) i had dropped 1.6 lbs by the next morning. so you girlies were right, it was just fluctuation/water weight or something else that didn't stick.

yesterday's breakfast:
oatmeal w/ honey and cinnamon (165)

yesterday's lunch:
nothing

yesterday's dinner:
errr.... see below

* * * * *

so when i got home from work yesterday, boyfriend surprises me with "hey guess what, we are going to my grandparents house for dinner". great, right? just freaking great. was planning on a salt water cleanse, now that's not happening. was planning not to eat for the rest of the night, now that's not happening. so we go over.

and it's actually not too bad. for dinner i had three grapes (10) three cantaloupe cubes (20) and two thin slices of roast beef (155). after dinner i was even pressured into dessert, but it was low-fat strawberry shortcake cups, and i didn't get strawberries with mine, so it was the low-fat cake cup (80) and a little bit of fat-free cool whip (20).

went to dinner with the family and got away with a 285 calorie meal, including dessert? not bad at all.

so, this is where it gets bad.

as we're leaving we get a text to join our friend at a restaurant for her 21st b-day. so we stop by. i wasn't going to get anything. i was being strong. i was saying, "i'm too broke to get a drink, i don't want to drink" all the standard excuses. then boyfriend buys me an appletini (175). i drink it, and get buzzed pretty quickly because i haven't had anything to drink in a while, and i haven't had much food.

and this is where it gets really, really bad.

i start eating. boyfriend has ordered a quesadilla and expects me to eat half. so i do (700). i drink another appletini (175). some friends have ordered cheese dip and chips, so i have some of that (300).

by the time we leave, i've consumed 1350 calories, in addition to the 165 for breakfast and the 285 for actual dinner.

1800 calories for the day. limit was 650. so i'm over by 1150.

i feel really crappy about the whole thing. i was doing soooooo good. i was so proud that i hadn't gone over a single limit for sgd. i've fucked that up now. i was so happy yesterday when i saw that my weight was back on track, that the gain had been nothing and i was down to 146.2. i'm in for another gain, that's for sure.

today's plan:

go to gym and burn as many calories as possible.

go to store and get healthy foods for week.

liquid fast for today (sunday), to bring down my weekly calories.

doing my saltwater flush tonight.

bit of good news: when i stepped on the scale just now, it said 146.6. i'm going to work out like i'm fucking training for the olympics to make sure that number doesn't rise by tomorrow. i will never be in the 150s again, it's not fucking happening.

gain

scale says: 147.8

my first gain since starting the blog. okay, so it's only .2 lbs, but it's still depressing. i'm blaming that potato last night. ugh ugh ugh never want to eat again.

breakfast:
oatmeal (140)
honey (20)
cinnamon (5)
(165)

lunch:
green tea with honey (20)

dinner:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (25)

skinny girl total: 210 (limit 450)
actual total: 210 calories

* * * * *

when i first saw the scale my thought process went like this:

what? no. that can't be right. i better try again.

seriously? i gained? it's that fucking potato. fuck potatoes. that fucker is going on my don't-eat list. i will never eat a potato again. i hate potatoes. stupid stupid potato.

i can't believe i gained... i kinda wanna cry.

fuck it, i gained anyway, maybe i should just waste today and eat everything i can.

...no, that would just make it worse.

fine. i won't binge. but i am putting real sugar in my fucking coffee today.

* * * *

so i ate my oatmeal as planned, and decided to eat as little as possible for the rest of the day, which turned into an almost-liquid-fast (can i call it a liquid fast if i put sugar/honey in my liquids? it dissolves, haha). i've been trying to eat a lot of fiber and drink a lot of water, but i haven't had a bowl movement in a couple days, so i'm partially blaming that. i'm going to the store tomorrow to get sea salt and i'll do a salt water cleanse probably tomorrow evening. i hope that will help.

oh, and boyfriend is making bacon and toast and grilled peppers and onions and scrambled eggs right now, but i feel so fat i'm not even tempted. just drinking my coffee, writing a blog. on a different day it would smell delicious, but now it's just making me feel a little nauseous. win?

today's kind of a blah day. but to tell the truth, part of the reason i didn't binge is because i wanted to stay strong for you girlies. it's kind of silly, but i don't want to let you all down by stuffing my face and failing. i'd rather report happiness than sadness, and when i started the blog i promised myself i would never lie about intake, so all of you are motivating me to do good, even when i'm away from my computer! if i can't stay strong for myself, at least i can stay strong for all of you.

hope your weekend got off to a great start!

xoxo

mac and cheese

scale says: 147.6

i want to work out for like five hours tomorrow to boost up my weight loss rate.

breakfast:
oatmeal (140)
tsp of honey (20)
tsp cinnamon (5)
(165)

lunch:
black coffee (10)

dinner:
1 medium potato (fried, no skin) (150)
2 tablespoons ketchup (30)
(180)

skinny girl total: 205 (limit 500)
actual total: 355 calories

* * * * *

i read a tip (don't remember where, sorry!) about using water to fry things instead of oil so i tried it out with my potatoes tonight! it ended up working pretty well. my potatoes weren't as crispy as i would have liked, they were more on the soft side, but they turned out very tasty, and with no extra calories from oil! i did spray the pan with some calorie free cooking spray before adding the potatoes, then i added about 1/3 cup of water, put the lid on, and just let them cook. with a dash of pepper, a dash of garlic powder and dipped in ketchup they were sooo good!

* * * *

thank you for all your lovely comments on yesterday's post! you girls are so sweet to say that you enjoy reading my blog, though it does put some pressure on me to be entertaining! eek. :)

i was actually planning on getting some packets of splenda, sweet-n-low, equal, etc. and doing a sort of taste test with my coffee to see if i like any of them, so hopefully i can do that in the next couple days, then of course share my findings. i've heard that all these artificial sweetners are really bad for you, so i guess it comes down to eating calories or eating chemicals. i really don't like black coffee (too bitter), but i really need coffee or some sort of caffeine fix each day, so i'll have to figure something out.

and mainehopie, i haven't tried squash with tomato sauce and parm, but it sounds great! and at only 85 calories, it sounds super great! with the vegan sauce and parm, i don't think you'd have to worry about too much fat or anything, though maybe sodium? it would depend on the brands of course.

* * *

so last night, right after i had already eaten my little bowl of cooked cabbage, boyfriend made some mac and cheese. now, in case you don't know, mac and cheese is one of my binge foods. i can put away a whole box no prob (1200+ calories) and sometimes i would cook and eat two whole boxes (a gazillion calories).

so boyfriend makes mac and cheese, and it smells sooo freeaaakkingg goooood. i want to rip it out of his hands and shovel it all into my mouth then lick the bowl clean. but i don't. my stomach is twisting and rumbling and aching for some of that warm cheesy pasta-y goodness, but i resist. even when he offers to give me half, waving the bowl in front of my face.

god it was so hard.

i went into the room with my computer and started looking at hungry-girl.com low-cal recipes, which helped but also didn't, because all the recipes have pictures and i could still smell the mac and cheese, and here i was looking at all these delicious foods. it was driving me absolutely crazy!

but i'm really proud of myself for not caving, because it would have been too easy. plus, i got some cool new recipes to try out (like faux-fried chicken, which is just chicken strips dipped in egg beaters then rolled in crushed up fiber 1 bran cereal to give it that fried texture).

weekend is coming up, and i managed to convince boyfriend that we don't need to do french dip sandwiches again, so this weekend i'll be making low-cal foods like the faux-fried chicken, quesadillas with laughing cow cheese, or boca burgers. not having to stress about the calories in those french dip sandwiches is going to save me from a anxiety attack, i swear.

stay beautiful girlies!

xoxo

calories, sugar and kitchen scales

scale says: 148.00

happy with any loss, though i miss the days of 1 lb/day... sigh.

breakfast:
oatmeal (140)
teaspoon of honey (20)
1/2 tsp of cinnamon (3)
black coffee (10)
(173)

lunch:
7 mini rice cakes (50)

dinner:
2 cups cooked cabbage (60)
1/2 tablespoon margarine (25)
(85)

skinny girl total: 248 calories (limit 400)
actual total: 308 calories

* * * * *

i was so full after breakfast! oatmeal is a bloody brilliant food. i ate more cals for breakfast than i usually do, but it filled me up and was a good start to my day. all the research i've done on metabolism says that eating breakfast boosts metabolism, drinking coffee gives you energy and boosts metabolism, and that oatmeal, honey, and cinnamon all help to boost metabolism as well. i think my body is going into starvation mode to conserve energy though, because at around 5 pm i was so exhausted i took a nap for a couple hours. still, better sleeping than eating.

i keep finding out that the strangest things have calories in them. cinnamon? 17 cals a tablespoon. black coffee? about 10 a cup. toothpaste? if you accidentally swallow a little bit you're getting calories. hell, does my multivitamin have calories too? probably. i just want to drink water for the rest of my life, but then i'd die after a few weeks and i'd never get to show off my new skinny body at the beach. sigh.

i decided to cut extra sugar out of  my diet. i was really only putting it in coffee and tea, so it's not a big change, just now all my coffee will be black and all my tea will be sweetened with honey. the oatmeal with honey and cinnamon was absolutely delicious, so take that sugar, i don't need you.

i really want to buy a food scale so i can weigh everything i eat, but boyfriend definitely would not be cool with that. he understands that i want to lose weight, but if i start measuring every grape he'll start thinking i've lost my mind. i'll just have to stick to measuring cups and teaspoons for now.

sort of spastic post today, but some days it's hard to come up with a good topic. hmmm... i could probably talk about goals and rewards (goal weight 140 is closer everyday), or my personal safe foods, or maybe update my measurements (i know i've lost an inch or two from my waist). lots of stuff. no matter what i'm writing about, i want to keep blogging everyday. it keeps me focused on the weight loss. and besides, i'd miss you girls too much if i took a day off.

hope you all are having a lovely day!

xoxo

shopping list

scale says: 148.4

happy to see a loss there! i'm hoping that back-to-back weight of 149 was because of the french dip sandwiches. i felt so full all weekend, but after yesterday and today i'm feeling much lighter and emptier and therefore happier.

breakfast:
watermelon (80)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

dinner:
two pieces low-cal toast (90)
two pieces turkey bacon (70)
two scrambled egg whites (34)
(194 calories)

skinny girl total: 209 (limit 300)
actual total: 289 calories

* * * * *

first, i added a weight tracker thingy to the blog! since i got my scale on september 25th i've lost 7.4 lbs, which isn't bad for just 11 days! i like looking at the tracker, because with that bit gone already, i feel like the goal is that much more attainable. especially when i realize that i've already lost over 7 lbs! 

(god i love restricting. i missed it so freaking much. how did i get by without it for so long? madness.)

second, 51 followers? jeeze you girls astound me.

third, i've been doing lots of research for foods high in protein or fiber or iron, and foods that boost metabolism, and i used this info to build my shopping list for the week. since i'm eating so little, i want to make sure what i do eat is healthy and somehow benefits me. here are some things i'll buy when i go to the store:

chicken breasts (protein)

egg whites (protein)

fat-free yogurt (protein)

fat-free cheese (protein)

almonds* (protein/iron/fiber/metabolism)

enriched bran cereal (iron/fiber)

lean turkey (iron/metabolism)

lettuce/cabbage** (iron/fiber )

broccoli (iron/fiber/metabolism)

oranges (fiber)

avocado (fiber)

oatmeal (fiber/metabolism)

apple cider vinegar & honey & garlic (good metabolism boosters)

*almonds are great for nutrients but super high cal (a single almond is 7 calories!) so i'll eat some, but definitely watch it on those.

**cabbage is also a natural diuretic, and is known to aid breakage of fatty deposits, especially around the abdominal region. very cool. everyone should eat more cabbage.

these foods will just about set me up for the week! i'm going to start eating enriched bran cereal (dry) or oatmeal (sweetened with tsp of honey) for breakfast, lunch will be fruits or egg whites or yogurt or nuts, and dinner will be meat (chicken or turkey, sometimes beef) and some sort of green veggie (cabbage, lettuce, broccoli, green beans).

hope you all are having a good day! think skinny!

xoxo

skinny girl diet week 1

scale says: 149.0

no gain, no loss. going to exercise like crazy tonight so i'll have a lower number tomorrow!

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp sugar (15)

lunch:
nothing

dinner:
one slice low-cal bread (45)
one slice turkey bacon (35)
two scrambled egg whites (34)
green tea w/ tsp honey (20)

(134 calories)

skinny girl total: 149 (limit 400)
actual total: 149 calories

* * * * *

happy with intake today! boyfriend ended up eating left-over french dip for lunch at like 5 pm then wasn't hungry at dinner time so i was left to my own devices. i had to make some food because he was home, but instead of two slices of toast and two slices of bacon i cut back to one each. i didn't feel so great during the day though, i need to make a point to at least eat something tiny for breakfast or lunch. fruit or oatmeal or yogurt or something to get me through the day.

* * * *

week one of skinny girl diet complete! i didn't go over sgd limit for any days, which makes me happy. even counting all calories, i didn't go over 500 for any day! it's kind of funny how easily i've gotten back into restricting. a month ago i was eating over 2000 calories a day, and now i can function just fine and not even feel that hungry on 400.

today is day one of week two and i'm excited about the next three weeks of skinny girl! and because i'm completely obsessed with numbers and counting and graphs and keeping track of everything, here's a week 1 recap:

weight

starting weight (monday 9/27) 153.6

ending weight (sunday 10/3) 149.0

loss of 4.6 lbs in first week!

(if i keep up this rate, i'll lose 18.4 lbs total for the 30 days of skinny girl.

that means i'll be 135.2 on october 26th!)

intake

day (limit) sgd total -- actual total

mon (400) 210 -- 370

tues (300) 180 -- 315

wed (400) 235 -- 325

thurs (500) 344 -- 379

fri (450) 80 -- 220

sat (650) 465 -- 465

sun (650) 415 -- 495

total limit: 3350

total sgd calories: 1929

total overall calories: 2569

holy shit
i ate as many calories in a whole week as i used to eat in just one day

hope all of you had a wonderful monday!

after crunching all these numbers i feel a lot better :)

xoxo

planning meals

scale says: 149.0

it's funny, but i don't think i'll feel far away enough from the 150s until i'm 140, and then the cycle will just start all over again. i am kind of surprised i lost weight with that giant sandwich still in my tummy >.<

breakfast: n/a
(didn't wake up early enough to eat w/o breaking rules!)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)
watermelon (80)

dinner:
french dip sandwich again (400)

skinny girl total: 415 (limit 650)
actual total: 495

* * * * *

ugh french dip sandwich again because we had leftovers. at least it was the weekend so i didn't go over skinny girl diet limits. bad news: boyfriend really liked the way i made french dip and wants them again next week. fuuuuuuuuuck. well, okay, they are pretty good :) just sooo many calories! i'll schedule them for sat/sun again so it doesn't effect skinny girl limits.

these last few weeks i've been planning out all dinners. this is so 1) boyfriend and i aren't tempted to go out to eat 2) we can get all the groceries for the week in one trip 3) planned dinners are relatively healthy. and then there's my personal reason-- if i make dinner every night, i can control it. i can control how many calories are in each dish, and i know exactly how many calories i'm eating.

this week on monday and tuesday we'll be eating breakfast-y foods for dinner-- low-cal toast, turkey bacon, and scrambled eggs (i'm only going to eat egg whites). wednesday, thursday, and friday we're having chicken and green beans, saturday and sunday are the french dip sandwiches. i still have plenty of snack foods for myself: fruits, rice cakes, oatmeal, yogurt, veggies, jello. and i think when i go shopping i'm going to get myself a really bland enriched cereal so i can get some vitamins in but i'm not too tempted to binge with it because it won't taste that good, haha.

i'm really obsessed with planning and organization and numbers, so i usually plan out not only dinners for the week, but all my meals. i'll calculate the approx calories in each dinner, subtract that from my skinny girl limit, then take the number that's left and try to figure out what i should eat that day for breakfast and lunch.

for example: monday skinny girl diet limit is 400. for dinner i'm having 2 slices of low-cal toast (45/each = 90) 2 slices of turkey bacon (35/each = 70) and 2 scrambled egg whites (17/each = 34). this means monday dinner total is 194 calories (which is awesome, because that's a pretty filling dinner for under 200 cal!). this means i have 206 calories left of my limit to divide between breakfast and lunch. since i work monday morning, i'll be lucky to get in a cup of coffee or tea for breakfast, and i'll still keep lunch under 100, so i'll probably end up with 300 total for the day. (we'll see how close my prediction is tomorrow!)

i just feel a lot more comfortable knowing exactly how many calories dinner will be, so i can see how many calories i have left and play around with them. i just have to limit myself for breakfast and lunch and i'll be fine! that knowledge reassures me so, so much. plus, since everything is planned out i'm not nearly as tempted to break the plan and eat more than scheduled.

do you girls plan out your meals this much or am i just really obsessive about it? when you do plan, is it easy or hard to stick to the plan?

keep smiling beauties!
xoxo

eating rules

scale says: 149.8

under 150! yay! on the downside, it seems my weight loss has slowed quite a bit. i wonder what i can do to get back to that lb/day loss... i'm already eating so little, so maybe more exercise? i'm also hoping my period is at fault, maybe it's extra water weight?

breakfast:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

lunch:
7 mini rice cakes (50)

dinner:
french dip sandwich (400)

skinny girl total: 465 (limit 650) (veggie/fruit fail!)
actual total: 465 calories

* * * * *

ugh so dinner was more calories than the entire day yesterday, but whatever. i really only ate part of the sandwich, but i'm counting 400 calories because the french bread alone had 200. on the plus side, i can probably skip breakfast tomorrow! (like i wouldn't do that anyway, ha.)

yesterday i decided to establish eating rules for myself, so if don't eat during one of the blocks of eating time then i have to skip that meal for the day.

breakfast must be eaten before noon. this might seem kind of late, but my earliest work shift is at 11, and i love to sleep in on my days off, so it's not strange for me to just sleep through breakfast.

lunch must be eaten between 1 pm and 3 pm. if i don't eat lunch in this window of time, i don't eat.

dinner has no limit on starting time, but i will not eat after 9 pm. i wanted this to be a bit earlier, but sometimes i work late or boyfriend works late, and anyway, my usual bedtime is well after 1 am, so there's still plenty of awake time after dinner to digest the food.

i want to eat at least one fruit or veggie everyday (totally failed this today, but i didn't want any more calories after that damn sandwich).

also, i'm probably going to start taking a multivitamin or something, because i really want to get my necessary fiber and calcium and protein and iron (i've been anemic for as long as i can remember). but i'm especially going to try to get in some protein foods (egg whites, low-fat yogurts, milk, cheese) and some iron rich foods (lettuce, broccoli, cabbage, raisins, red meats). of course, i could always find a nice, enriched cereal that has a crap-load of vitamins in it and just eat one small serving a day, but cereal is one of my binge foods, so that's a little scary. still, i'll look into it.

I'm curious: do you girls have any eating rules that you set for yourself? what are they and how easy are they to follow?

hope your weekend is going good, and wishing luck on all the girlies fasting for hungry for change! keep it up, you're all doing great!

xoxo

followers

scale says: 150.0

ah so close! eating very little today to drop solidly below 150.

breakfast:
watermelon (80)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp sugar (15)

dinner:
2 cups cooked cabbage (60)
margarine (50)
green tea w/ tsp of sugar (15)
(125)

skinny girl total: 80 (limit 450)
actual total: 220 calories

* * * * *

i was going to skip breakfast, but boyfriend gave me some hell so i settled on a slice of watermelon. later in the day i started feeling really nauseous, and didn't even want to eat anything, so it was easy to have coffee for lunch. pretty happy with my intake today, going to work out and hopefully i'll drop below 150 by tomorrow.

not much else to say except hello to all my new followers! it totally boggles my mind that all of you are interested in my blog, which i mostly started as a journal for myself. so, hello! i've tried to follow all of your blogs in return but sometimes the friend connect thing is wonky, so if i'm not following you and you want me to, leave me a comment with a link to your blog and i'll go check it out!

also, i was interested in hearing some thoughts on diet pills. i was thinking of getting some (ones i could buy at wal-mart or walgreens or something) so if any of you have recommendations on which to buy or recommendations on which to avoid, i would much appreciate it!

hope you all have an awesome weekend!

xoxo

avoiding a binge

scale says: 150.4

i really want to see that number drop to the 140s.

breakfast:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

lunch:
english muffin (120)
turkey bacon (35)
two egg whites (34)
(189)

dinner:
baked chicken breast (140)
green beans (35)
(175)


skinny girl total: 344 (limit 500)
actual total: 379

* * * * *

would have been fine with eating just half of lunch, but boyfriend was like, "why would you only eat 1/2 an english muffin??" so i made the whole damn thing and was very full. dinner will be plain chicken breast and green beans and i skipped breakfast, so i'm not really worried about lunch.

* * * *

a binge is one thing that really scares me. especially now, that i've been doing good and losing weight and i'm sure my stomach has shrunk, because it's gotten really easy to just not want food anymore. most of us have urges to binge sometimes, and we've all heard the same tips before: count to 100, drink lots and lots of water, brush your teeth, get comfortable so making food is an inconvenience, look at thinspo.

but all of those take a moment of clarity and will power to execute. we don't always have that moment. sometimes it feels like you're not totally in control, and that moment of clarity comes when you're halfway through a whole pizza and suddenly your horrified and disgusted with yourself, and because you've already messed up so bad you're like, fuck it, i'll just eat the entire house then. yeah, i've been there.

this last week i've gotten urges to binge, but i fought against them and succeeded, so i thought i'd share a couple of tips that worked for me.

1. don't keep binge foods in the house. i binge on pasta and cereal. there's no more pasta in the house, and i won't be buying anymore. we still have some cereal, but for now i'm exerting will power, so i'm not too worried. soon it will get stale and i'll have a valid excuse to throw it out. (i really, really hate throwing out food that's still good because i don't have a lot of money and it's just such a waste, so i avoid it if i can.)

2. binge on low-calorie foods. sugar-free jello is my favorite for this. i get these sugar-free jello packages from wal-mart, and they're less than a dollar a piece. i make them in pie pans and one box makes about a 1 inch deep pie. best part? each serving has just 5 calories, and the entire box has only 20 calories. you can eat five jello pies and that's still just 100 calories. and of course fruits and veggies are great too, especially filling green veggies like lettuce or celery. you can pretty much stuff yourself with that and you probably won't exceed 100 calories.

3. bake something. i find the smells of food being prepared/cooking suppress my hunger cravings. take some time preparing and cooking your food, and by the time you're done, it might be easier to eat a smaller portion. also try drinking something like coffee or green tea. the smells make your tummy stop grumbling, and then the warm liquid makes you feel better and less hungry!

4. decide to eat something that takes a long time to cook. again jello is a great one here, because it takes at least 2 hours to firm up, plus you have to mix it and the smells will sate your hunger for a bit. also, anything that involves baking for while, like a baked potato, but made in the oven, not the microwave. or sliced apple chips, baked in the oven. or anything involving a crock pot. recently i cooked up some home-made veggie stew. it took about half an hour to chop up all the veggies, then i put it all in the slow cooker for ten hours. when it was finished, i was hungry, but i only ate one bowl because it was just so filling. and it was healthy, too, each serving only had 130 calories!

again, these are just the things that have helped me. it's really easy to combine a few of the tips. the next time i feel a binge coming on, i'm going to make some sugar-free jello which is low-cal, needs some prep work, and takes a long time to be ready. 

another thing: if you are okay with ruining food, then you can choose something totally fatty (like a pot pie or a cake) and make that then stick it in the oven. while it's cooking, get on the computer and look at some thinspo until your willpower has returned, then go into the kitchen and pour salt or pepper or something totally gross on the food, or "forget" about it and let it burn. i personally don't like sabotaging food, so i haven't tried this myself, but i thought i'd share the idea.

hope some of these provide some help!

xoxo

comment

scale says 151.8

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp sugar (15)

lunch:
watermelon (80)

dinner:
low-carb tortilla (80)
grilled chicken breast (140)
lettuce (10)
(230)

skinny girl total: 235 (limit: 400)
actual total: 325

* * * * *

so most of the comments i've gotten have been so nice and encouraging, and i really appreciate you girls taking the time to leave them... until this morning, when i got my first rude comment.

originally the girl commented a simple "that's my photo, you don't have permission to use it, take it down asap". but apparently this wasn't enough for her. she then deleted the comment (i know what the first one said because i get my comments sent to email) and wrote a new one calling me "unbelievably pretentious" for identifying as ana when i weigh over 10 stone.

okay, first? not everyone with an eating disorder is skinny, that's a dangerous assumption.

second? i was diagnosed as anorexic in high school and i recovered. now i have relapsed. yes, i weigh over 10 stone, but i still identify as eating disordered because i've gone back to that state of mind.

and third? the comment section is no place to call names and be rude. on my blogger profile my email is visible for this exact reason. if someone disagrees with the way i'm doing things, or if someone has anything to say to me, send me an email. please don't try to start shit in my comments, especially when you leave no way to reply so i can't even send you a message saying i removed your bloody photo.

aaaaaanyway, hope all of you are having a great day.

xoxo

honesty

scale says: 152.8

i know this 1 lb/day loss won't last forever, but damn, i'm going to enjoy it while it does!

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp of sugar (15)
banana (100)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

dinner:
green beans (35)
cooked white rice (120) with soy sauce (10) and margarine (20)
(185 calories)

skinny girl total: 180 (limit: 300)
actual total: 315 calories

* * * * *

a few days ago i said that i was going to hide my scale so my boyfriend wouldn't find out i had one. but the day i actually bought it i was like, fuck it, i'm taking it up... and he didn't even care! he still doesn't know how few calories i'm taking in, but he knows i'm trying to take in less, and he's okay with that too. he doesn't even mind the low-fat and fat-free foods i've been buying, like the 45 cal/slice bread, and turkey bacon, and tons of fruits and veggies.

last night i told him that i was thinking of doing a fast in about a month (after sgd) and --to my utter surprise-- he was totally supportive! i told him i would be doing a water fast, and my goal would be detox, not weight loss, but still. a fast would be impossible to hide, so it makes me happy that he'll be okay about it.

i feel so much better being upfront with him. i mean, i still hide the blog and my crazy calorie counting, but i don't have to lie to him about already eating or things like that. i don't have to go out of my way to cover up my lack of eating. i don't have to make food and then throw it in the trash all sneaky-like. it's such a huge relief, and i'm so glad i was honest with him.

stay thin and strong, lovlies!

xoxo

chocolate

scale says: 153.6

again my scale tells me that i dropped a whole pound in one day. i'm starting to wonder: is this legit? is my scale calibrated poorly? or is this extra weight so foreign that my body is eager to drop it? i guess i'll find out soon enough. as long as the number keeps getting lower, i'm happy.

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp of sugar (15)
banana (100)

lunch:
20 grapes (60)
7 mini rice cakes (50)
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

dinner:
leftover stew (130)

skinny girl diet total: 210 calories (limit: 400)
actual total: 370 calories

* * * * *

i feel a chocolate craving coming on (i'm pms-ing, go figure) and i was a little worried until i came across a great tip: cocoa powder! 1 tablespoon has 15 calories, so sprinkle some cocoa powder on banana slices or an apple or plain rice cakes to satisfy your chocolate craving. i think it's a great idea, and i can't wait to try it, maybe tomorrow.

it's weird, but a lot of the so-called "pro-ana" advice just doesn't work that well for me. like the one that says you shouldn't eat in front of your computer screen? i do that all the time and it makes me eat slower, especially while blogging! (i'm actually eating my lunch of grapes and rice cakes while i type this!) i can see how it would be bad to grab a whole bag of chips and just mindlessly eat while on the computer, but i portion all the food out, put it on a plate, then i take small bites and type or browse websites between bites. sometimes it will take me an hour to eat a plate of food this way!

hope your week is off to a lovely start!
xoxo

* * * *

skinny girl diet

scale says: 154.8

yesterday when i weighed in at 155.8 i had just eaten snacks, so i don't think i actually dropped a whole pound overnight (i wish!) this morning i weighed myself naked first thing after getting out of bed and peeing.

breakfast:
black coffee (0)
7 mini rice cakes (50)

lunch:
1 medium banana (100)

dinner:
home-made veggie stew (130)
home-made herb bread (70)
(200 calories)

total:
350 calories

* * * * *

good intake today. i'm finding that eating three little meals works best for me so i'm trying to create a new diet plan based around that. i already have some awesome ideas i can't wait to share! 

actually, i was awake until 4 am thinking about calories and serving sizes and running numbers through my head trying to plan out this new diet. that is one part of the disorder that i definitely did not miss. the numbers are just so consuming. when i was really deep in my disorder before, i had no hobbies, no goals (aside from weight loss) and i didn't think of anything but food, eating, starving, weight, calories, fat, measurements, etc.

so yeah. now the mind-consuming numbers are back, and i'm worried i'm going to lose all my other interests and hobbies like i did before. i hope not, but to keep myself thin i have to be constantly thinking thin. and i have to be thin.

* * * *

in other news, i'm starting the skinny girl diet tomorrow with a group of blogging girls: AAOS, chasingperfect, Ariana, and lovelybones! the support is going to be great, and the daily intake is more than the abc diet, so i'm sure i'll be able to keep to it even with my boyfriend making me eat every night. i'm excited! i'll keep you all informed on how it works out for me, because one thing i always find myself wondering about diets like abc and sgd is: do they actually work?? we'll see how many pounds i drop!

here's the info on the skinny girl diet, if anyone else wants to join in:

measurements

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
chips (100)
canned coffee drink (210)
(310 calories)

dinner:
green beans with low-fat margarine
(90 calories)

total:
400 calories

[edited to change: i originally had a snack of baked apples listed here too which i counted while they were baking. well, i ended up burning them, so in the trash they went. ha. i should burn food more often, saved myself from an extra 100 calories i didn't need.]

* * * * *

so the fast today kind of fell through. i'm a little bummed but not devastated, because if i hadn't snacked, i probably would have binged on a whole box of macaroni and cheese, peanut butter toast and cookies. so these 300 calories aren't the best, but they're a lot better than the 3000 binge calories i avoided.

* * * * *

in other news, i got my scale today (digital, of course). my weight is 155.8. i am pretty tall at 5'8" but still. this puts my bmi at 23.7 and 25+ is overweight. then i calculated some other bmi numbers:

at 130 my bmi will be 19.8.

at 122 my bmi will be right on the border of normal and underweight at 18.5.

and at my goal of 115 my bmi will be 17.5.

i also used a body fat analyzer which told me i have 27.52% body fat. at 155.8 lbs this means i am carrying about 43 lbs of fat on my body. eeeewwwwwwwwwww. just, eeeewwwwwww.

for my starting measurements, my bust is 36, my waist is 30, and my hips are 40 (i have a big butt).

i'm going to weigh myself daily (probably several times per day, ha) but i'm only going to do my bust/waist/hips measurements every few weeks, because those changes will be more gradual.

if any of you ladies are interested, i used this body fat analyzer and this bmi calculator.

hope your weekends are going well! stay strong and always strive for perfection!

fast

breakfast:
green tea with teaspoon of sugar
(15 calories)

lunch:
green tea with teaspoon of sugar (15)
grapes (80)
(95 calories)

dinner:
beef roast (170)
steamed green beans (40)
(210 calories)

total:
320 calories

* * * * *

really happy with my intake today. i worked this morning, so it was easy to do well with breakfast and lunch, and of course dinner with boyfriend was unavoidable.

i'm getting my scale tomorrow after work and i'm a little nervous to see my weight. i kinda don't want to believe i'm 160. i got this number from when i went to the clinic to get a birth control refill. they do my blood pressure and poke my finger with a need to test for iron levels and all that. so 160 is the number i got from that big clunky balance scale with the weights that you slide back and forth. ugh. i'm just remembering the nurse sliding the big 100 weight over, then sliding the little weight up past 20, past 30, past 40, then sliding it back, and sliding the big ugly 150 weight over. my heart just about broke. at least she started with the 100 weight, not the 150. guess i don't look like that much of a fatty.

anyway. intake today was good, getting a scale tomorrow, and also going to try to fast tomorrow. i work in the morning and boyfriend works at night, so we'll miss each other all day. by the time he comes home i can tell him i ate leftovers or something. only water tomorrow! yes, i'm excited. i'll start timing the fast after i finished dinner, so we'll see how many hours i can really go. maybe i can fast all day sunday and only eat at dinner? we'll see!

have a lovely weekend & stay strong!

guilt and goals

breakfast:
venti white mocha
(510 calories)

lunch:
sugar-free gum
(5 calories)

dinner:
part of chicken breast (100)
cooked white rice (160)
steamed green beans (40)
(300 calories)

total:
815 calories

* * * * *

starbucks is my weakness. it's probably also why i've gotten so fat. 500 calories a drink? and sometimes i get a pastry to go with it? no wonder i'm a cow these days. boyfriend left the apartment early this morning and brought me back the starbucks, trying to be sweet, but also making me feel guilty no matter what i do. if i don't drink it, guilty because boyfriend bought it and was trying to be nice and i'm just wasting it. if i drink it, guilty because it's more calories than my daily intake goal. i mean, jesus. i don't even want to think about it. at least it filled me up, and since boyfriend is at work i can skip lunch no problem. worried about dinner though. i'm making chicken and rice, which is pretty small, but still. looking at another thousand calorie day.

* * *

right now i weigh about 160, and i really loathe that number. when i was in high school i had a friend who was really fat. it probably wasn't her fault, because her mom was a whale, but she was the fat girl. she had rolls and flappy arms. and i remember when we got our driver's licenses, i caught a glimpse of her weight. 175 pounds. she was shorter than me, so it really was a lot for her body type. but thinking about that just makes me shudder. i'm 15 pounds away from being the same weight as her. i have guy friends who weigh less than me. ugh.

my first license from when i was sixteen says my weight was 115. in the picture my collar bone is so strong and prominent and pretty. my license from when i turned twenty-one says my weight is 130.

so those are my goals. goal number one is to get back down to 130. goal number two is to get back to 115. 115 just sounds like such a good number. slim, little, tiny. i want to look good in skinny jeans again, not like a sausage squeezed into them.

115. 115. 115. i want to write it on the walls and my arms and just hold onto that number whenever i get hungry or feel horrible.

115. my goal.

bad habits

breakfast:
2 bowls of cereal (240)
each with milk (140)
(380 calories)

lunch:
pasta (400)
olive oil (120)
parmesan cheese (75)
(595 calories)

dinner:
green tea (0)
1/2 tbls honey (30)
(30)

total:
1005 calories
(but it feels like 5,000)

* * * * *

ugh i so didn't want to eat any of this today. i was so happy with yesterday's intake (less than 300 calories!) and i was trying to stay strong, but my boyfriend started going on and on about the cereal we had and I should eat it before it goes bad, and i said i wasn't hungry, and he got on my case about eating breakfast so i was pretty much stuck.

the pasta was a bad habit. it's just sitting on the shelf, and i was the one who bought it (boyfriend doesn't eat pasta) so i felt like i had to eat it. i feel so weak. the breakfast was one thing but i should have stayed strong. instead, after eating the cereal, i just felt like the whole day was wasted so why not eat the pasta? at the very least, i'm getting it out of the house to discourage a possible binge later on. i've been bad about binging in the past. i can eat a whole box of cereal or box of pasta like it's nothing. bad bad bad.

i don't know my exact weight right now, but on friday after work i'll be getting a scale. i have to wait until then because boyfriend will be at work that night. he'd raise his eyebrows at me if i brought home a scale. i really didn't want to be all sneaky around him, i was hoping i wouldn't have to lie and say i'd already eaten when i hadn't, but it seems like it'll happen eventually. i'll just feel really shitty about lying to him. but he doesn't understand how important this is to me.

anyway, today sucked, i feel like crap, and i'll be posting my stats here probably this weekend, which will make me feel even crappier.

stay strong, lovlies!

the beginning

breakfast:
2 cups of coffee, 4 tsp sugar
(80 calories)

lunch:
1 piece of sugar-free gum
(5 calories)

dinner:
2 cups of lettuce (8)
1 small grilled chicken breast (150)
2 tablespoons fat-free italian dressing (10)
1 tablespoon parmesan cheese (25)
(193 calories)

total:
278 calories

* * * * *

i'm off to a pretty good start. i plan on skipping lunch, and dinner will be a salad with fat-free dressing. i'll update my food intake as i go.

lately, my boyfriend and i have been saying we need to eat healthier, so that will be a great asset to me. he's put on a little weight too, and while he'd probably freak if he found out i was back into ana, at least in the beginning it will be nice to be eating healthy with him. he even offered to exercise with me! either way, we've made a deal that we won't eat out anymore (no more greasy restuarant burgers!) and we're going to be eating healthier at home (no more home-made pizza).

we're going shopping for food for the week tomorrow, and i've been looking online for good low-cal low-fat recipes. i'm going to get some grapes (about 100 calories in a cup), some bananas (about 100 calories each), and some green tea. this will be my breakfast for the next week: a cup of green tea or coffee and either 1 cup of grapes or a banana. For dinner we'll have salads (i can probably get away with only eating half) and later in the week i'm going to make a veggie stew that is 135 calories a serving and very filling!

I figure if I can take in 100-130 calories for breakfast, skip lunch or maybe have some broth or veggies (less than 100 calories), and eat a dinner with less than 300 calories (i eat dinner with my boyfriend most nights, so that will be my biggest meal) i'll be right on track! 500 calories a day seems like a good starter goal, and since i've put on so much extra weight (i'm naturally pretty thin) i hope the pounds will start dropping off right away!

and right now my stomach is rumbling and i feel the hunger but i know i'm not going to eat and that makes me feel so good and strong.

first

i've reached a low point.

in high school i was a size zero, ana helped, but i didn't have to try hard to keep it up. i was skinny. tiny.

now i weigh 160 lbs. i'm a size 9 bordering on 11. i eat disgusting things like bacon cheeseburgers and french toast and pasta drowning in sauce and parmesan. i've let myself go. i'm not the adorable skinny girl i was five years ago.

i'm fat.

and it ends today.

i never thought i would go back to ana. i told my parents i was better, i told everyone i was better. but the only way i'll be a better me is to go back to ana. ana will make me strong and beautiful and skinny and free.

ana will make me better.

this will be my online diary. i will always be anonymous. all you need to know is that i am a 23 year old girl living in a big city in california. i'm not in school anymore. i work at a restuarant. i live with my boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment that we pay way too much for.

living with my boyfriend is part of the reason i'm doing this online. i don't want to leave a notebook laying around where he might find it. that's exactly how my parents found out about my ana in high school. so i will blog. i will keep track of my calories, my fat, my exercises. i will keep track of my weight. i am 160 now, and my goal is 115. that's how much i weighed in high school. and i want to go back.

i also think blogging will help. i'll be leaving a record, my goals and food will be written down and saved. it will make me more accountable. will i really want to eat that cookie when i know i'll have to tally it up and report it on the blog? and when i'm feeling hungry instead of going to the kitchen, i can come to the blog and write.

it starts now. a new, better me.

welcome to my blog. you can call me ana.