first

i've reached a low point.

in high school i was a size zero, ana helped, but i didn't have to try hard to keep it up. i was skinny. tiny.

now i weigh 160 lbs. i'm a size 9 bordering on 11. i eat disgusting things like bacon cheeseburgers and french toast and pasta drowning in sauce and parmesan. i've let myself go. i'm not the adorable skinny girl i was five years ago.

i'm fat.

and it ends today.

i never thought i would go back to ana. i told my parents i was better, i told everyone i was better. but the only way i'll be a better me is to go back to ana. ana will make me strong and beautiful and skinny and free.

ana will make me better.

this will be my online diary. i will always be anonymous. all you need to know is that i am a 23 year old girl living in a big city in california. i'm not in school anymore. i work at a restuarant. i live with my boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment that we pay way too much for.

living with my boyfriend is part of the reason i'm doing this online. i don't want to leave a notebook laying around where he might find it. that's exactly how my parents found out about my ana in high school. so i will blog. i will keep track of my calories, my fat, my exercises. i will keep track of my weight. i am 160 now, and my goal is 115. that's how much i weighed in high school. and i want to go back.

i also think blogging will help. i'll be leaving a record, my goals and food will be written down and saved. it will make me more accountable. will i really want to eat that cookie when i know i'll have to tally it up and report it on the blog? and when i'm feeling hungry instead of going to the kitchen, i can come to the blog and write.

it starts now. a new, better me.

welcome to my blog. you can call me ana.