guilt and goals

breakfast:
venti white mocha
(510 calories)

lunch:
sugar-free gum
(5 calories)

dinner:
part of chicken breast (100)
cooked white rice (160)
steamed green beans (40)
(300 calories)

total:
815 calories

* * * * *

starbucks is my weakness. it's probably also why i've gotten so fat. 500 calories a drink? and sometimes i get a pastry to go with it? no wonder i'm a cow these days. boyfriend left the apartment early this morning and brought me back the starbucks, trying to be sweet, but also making me feel guilty no matter what i do. if i don't drink it, guilty because boyfriend bought it and was trying to be nice and i'm just wasting it. if i drink it, guilty because it's more calories than my daily intake goal. i mean, jesus. i don't even want to think about it. at least it filled me up, and since boyfriend is at work i can skip lunch no problem. worried about dinner though. i'm making chicken and rice, which is pretty small, but still. looking at another thousand calorie day.

* * *

right now i weigh about 160, and i really loathe that number. when i was in high school i had a friend who was really fat. it probably wasn't her fault, because her mom was a whale, but she was the fat girl. she had rolls and flappy arms. and i remember when we got our driver's licenses, i caught a glimpse of her weight. 175 pounds. she was shorter than me, so it really was a lot for her body type. but thinking about that just makes me shudder. i'm 15 pounds away from being the same weight as her. i have guy friends who weigh less than me. ugh.

my first license from when i was sixteen says my weight was 115. in the picture my collar bone is so strong and prominent and pretty. my license from when i turned twenty-one says my weight is 130.

so those are my goals. goal number one is to get back down to 130. goal number two is to get back to 115. 115 just sounds like such a good number. slim, little, tiny. i want to look good in skinny jeans again, not like a sausage squeezed into them.

115. 115. 115. i want to write it on the walls and my arms and just hold onto that number whenever i get hungry or feel horrible.

115. my goal.