almost

yesterday's stats:

scale: 142.8

foods:
2x coffee w/ sugar = 50 cals
cabbage cooked with margarine = 85 cals
skinny girl total: 75 (limit 300)
actual total: 135 calories

* * * * *

today's scale: 141.4

back on track like the weird gain never even happened.


breakfast:
coffee (25)

lunch:
chicken noodle soup (120)

dinner:
coffee (25)

skinny girl total: 170 (limit 450)
actual total: 170 calories

* * * * *

i almost lost control. almost? well, no. i did lose control. but it didn't result in a binge.

let me explain...

i've been having baaaaaad cravings these last few days. it's like the fact that i haven't been eating much at all lately is encouraging the ugly part of me who doesn't care about being fat. there's this voice in my head encouraging me to eat horrible foods. it's not helping that i work at a restaurant.

"it'd be so easy," the voice says. "the food is looking so good today, and it could be on your tongue and inside your stomach in a matter of minutes."

and then this happens:

i haven't gone shopping in a while and we're out of food. boyfriend suggests going out to eat. i try all the excuses. i'm too broke to spend that much money at a restaurant. boyfriend says he'll buy. we've been doing so good at not eating food that's bad for us. boyfriend says it's okay every once in a while, and we should treat ourselves.

the skinny person in me starts calculating calories in case she is forced to go. she starts wondering about the safest items to order. she's terrified that she might not know the exact calorie count-- because how can you with all the extra grease and oil they put on that shit? she feels sick. panic starts rising in her chest. 

the ugly fat person in me is excited. she wants a burger, and some fries, and a coke, and dessert. her voice gets louder. come on, we're practically being forced to eat anyway, she purrs. might as well stuff ourselves. if you're going to be bad, at least do it right. punishment can come later, for now i want to eat until my hands and lips are greasy with food and my stomach feels like it might explode. it's so easy to give in, we've got to keep up appearances. there's no way out of it, darling, might as well go all out.

i couldn't make the decision. boyfriend and i are driving home and we're coming to the exit and he says "do you want to go out?" and part of me screams no and part of me is already planning to get bacon on my burger and the words yes are on my lips but i can't trust myself with this decision so i say "it's totally up to you, i don't care either way".

so he drives past the exit and we go straight home.

i've never felt a stranger sense of both extreme relief and extreme disappointment. the weird part is, the disappointment was for both sides. the ugly side of me was sad she didn't get to eat, and the skinny part of me was disappointed in her willpower. she almost said yes. she was going to say yes. she didn't make the decision not to eat-- someone else did. she avoided the food in the end, but it wasn't her doing. she was weak. and that's scary, because i need her to be stronger than the fat part of me. i need her to win.

i got out of it that time, but this ugly part of me is still inside, talking, craving, encouraging. i'm starting to worry that the only way to shut this bitch up is with a cheeseburger. this thought both terrifies and pleases me. either way, the not eating has rewarded me, and i'm only a pound and a half from my first weight goal.

stay strong lovlies, even though it's hard. nothing worth having is going to come easy, and skinny is definitely worth it.

xoxo