avoiding a binge

scale says: 150.4

i really want to see that number drop to the 140s.

breakfast:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

lunch:
english muffin (120)
turkey bacon (35)
two egg whites (34)
(189)

dinner:
baked chicken breast (140)
green beans (35)
(175)


skinny girl total: 344 (limit 500)
actual total: 379

* * * * *

would have been fine with eating just half of lunch, but boyfriend was like, "why would you only eat 1/2 an english muffin??" so i made the whole damn thing and was very full. dinner will be plain chicken breast and green beans and i skipped breakfast, so i'm not really worried about lunch.

* * * *

a binge is one thing that really scares me. especially now, that i've been doing good and losing weight and i'm sure my stomach has shrunk, because it's gotten really easy to just not want food anymore. most of us have urges to binge sometimes, and we've all heard the same tips before: count to 100, drink lots and lots of water, brush your teeth, get comfortable so making food is an inconvenience, look at thinspo.

but all of those take a moment of clarity and will power to execute. we don't always have that moment. sometimes it feels like you're not totally in control, and that moment of clarity comes when you're halfway through a whole pizza and suddenly your horrified and disgusted with yourself, and because you've already messed up so bad you're like, fuck it, i'll just eat the entire house then. yeah, i've been there.

this last week i've gotten urges to binge, but i fought against them and succeeded, so i thought i'd share a couple of tips that worked for me.

1. don't keep binge foods in the house. i binge on pasta and cereal. there's no more pasta in the house, and i won't be buying anymore. we still have some cereal, but for now i'm exerting will power, so i'm not too worried. soon it will get stale and i'll have a valid excuse to throw it out. (i really, really hate throwing out food that's still good because i don't have a lot of money and it's just such a waste, so i avoid it if i can.)

2. binge on low-calorie foods. sugar-free jello is my favorite for this. i get these sugar-free jello packages from wal-mart, and they're less than a dollar a piece. i make them in pie pans and one box makes about a 1 inch deep pie. best part? each serving has just 5 calories, and the entire box has only 20 calories. you can eat five jello pies and that's still just 100 calories. and of course fruits and veggies are great too, especially filling green veggies like lettuce or celery. you can pretty much stuff yourself with that and you probably won't exceed 100 calories.

3. bake something. i find the smells of food being prepared/cooking suppress my hunger cravings. take some time preparing and cooking your food, and by the time you're done, it might be easier to eat a smaller portion. also try drinking something like coffee or green tea. the smells make your tummy stop grumbling, and then the warm liquid makes you feel better and less hungry!

4. decide to eat something that takes a long time to cook. again jello is a great one here, because it takes at least 2 hours to firm up, plus you have to mix it and the smells will sate your hunger for a bit. also, anything that involves baking for while, like a baked potato, but made in the oven, not the microwave. or sliced apple chips, baked in the oven. or anything involving a crock pot. recently i cooked up some home-made veggie stew. it took about half an hour to chop up all the veggies, then i put it all in the slow cooker for ten hours. when it was finished, i was hungry, but i only ate one bowl because it was just so filling. and it was healthy, too, each serving only had 130 calories!

again, these are just the things that have helped me. it's really easy to combine a few of the tips. the next time i feel a binge coming on, i'm going to make some sugar-free jello which is low-cal, needs some prep work, and takes a long time to be ready. 

another thing: if you are okay with ruining food, then you can choose something totally fatty (like a pot pie or a cake) and make that then stick it in the oven. while it's cooking, get on the computer and look at some thinspo until your willpower has returned, then go into the kitchen and pour salt or pepper or something totally gross on the food, or "forget" about it and let it burn. i personally don't like sabotaging food, so i haven't tried this myself, but i thought i'd share the idea.

hope some of these provide some help!

xoxo

comment

scale says 151.8

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp sugar (15)

lunch:
watermelon (80)

dinner:
low-carb tortilla (80)
grilled chicken breast (140)
lettuce (10)
(230)

skinny girl total: 235 (limit: 400)
actual total: 325

* * * * *

so most of the comments i've gotten have been so nice and encouraging, and i really appreciate you girls taking the time to leave them... until this morning, when i got my first rude comment.

originally the girl commented a simple "that's my photo, you don't have permission to use it, take it down asap". but apparently this wasn't enough for her. she then deleted the comment (i know what the first one said because i get my comments sent to email) and wrote a new one calling me "unbelievably pretentious" for identifying as ana when i weigh over 10 stone.

okay, first? not everyone with an eating disorder is skinny, that's a dangerous assumption.

second? i was diagnosed as anorexic in high school and i recovered. now i have relapsed. yes, i weigh over 10 stone, but i still identify as eating disordered because i've gone back to that state of mind.

and third? the comment section is no place to call names and be rude. on my blogger profile my email is visible for this exact reason. if someone disagrees with the way i'm doing things, or if someone has anything to say to me, send me an email. please don't try to start shit in my comments, especially when you leave no way to reply so i can't even send you a message saying i removed your bloody photo.

aaaaaanyway, hope all of you are having a great day.

xoxo

honesty

scale says: 152.8

i know this 1 lb/day loss won't last forever, but damn, i'm going to enjoy it while it does!

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp of sugar (15)
banana (100)

lunch:
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

dinner:
green beans (35)
cooked white rice (120) with soy sauce (10) and margarine (20)
(185 calories)

skinny girl total: 180 (limit: 300)
actual total: 315 calories

* * * * *

a few days ago i said that i was going to hide my scale so my boyfriend wouldn't find out i had one. but the day i actually bought it i was like, fuck it, i'm taking it up... and he didn't even care! he still doesn't know how few calories i'm taking in, but he knows i'm trying to take in less, and he's okay with that too. he doesn't even mind the low-fat and fat-free foods i've been buying, like the 45 cal/slice bread, and turkey bacon, and tons of fruits and veggies.

last night i told him that i was thinking of doing a fast in about a month (after sgd) and --to my utter surprise-- he was totally supportive! i told him i would be doing a water fast, and my goal would be detox, not weight loss, but still. a fast would be impossible to hide, so it makes me happy that he'll be okay about it.

i feel so much better being upfront with him. i mean, i still hide the blog and my crazy calorie counting, but i don't have to lie to him about already eating or things like that. i don't have to go out of my way to cover up my lack of eating. i don't have to make food and then throw it in the trash all sneaky-like. it's such a huge relief, and i'm so glad i was honest with him.

stay thin and strong, lovlies!

xoxo

chocolate

scale says: 153.6

again my scale tells me that i dropped a whole pound in one day. i'm starting to wonder: is this legit? is my scale calibrated poorly? or is this extra weight so foreign that my body is eager to drop it? i guess i'll find out soon enough. as long as the number keeps getting lower, i'm happy.

breakfast:
green tea w/ tsp of sugar (15)
banana (100)

lunch:
20 grapes (60)
7 mini rice cakes (50)
coffee w/ tsp of sugar (15)

dinner:
leftover stew (130)

skinny girl diet total: 210 calories (limit: 400)
actual total: 370 calories

* * * * *

i feel a chocolate craving coming on (i'm pms-ing, go figure) and i was a little worried until i came across a great tip: cocoa powder! 1 tablespoon has 15 calories, so sprinkle some cocoa powder on banana slices or an apple or plain rice cakes to satisfy your chocolate craving. i think it's a great idea, and i can't wait to try it, maybe tomorrow.

it's weird, but a lot of the so-called "pro-ana" advice just doesn't work that well for me. like the one that says you shouldn't eat in front of your computer screen? i do that all the time and it makes me eat slower, especially while blogging! (i'm actually eating my lunch of grapes and rice cakes while i type this!) i can see how it would be bad to grab a whole bag of chips and just mindlessly eat while on the computer, but i portion all the food out, put it on a plate, then i take small bites and type or browse websites between bites. sometimes it will take me an hour to eat a plate of food this way!

hope your week is off to a lovely start!
xoxo

* * * *

skinny girl diet

scale says: 154.8

yesterday when i weighed in at 155.8 i had just eaten snacks, so i don't think i actually dropped a whole pound overnight (i wish!) this morning i weighed myself naked first thing after getting out of bed and peeing.

breakfast:
black coffee (0)
7 mini rice cakes (50)

lunch:
1 medium banana (100)

dinner:
home-made veggie stew (130)
home-made herb bread (70)
(200 calories)

total:
350 calories

* * * * *

good intake today. i'm finding that eating three little meals works best for me so i'm trying to create a new diet plan based around that. i already have some awesome ideas i can't wait to share! 

actually, i was awake until 4 am thinking about calories and serving sizes and running numbers through my head trying to plan out this new diet. that is one part of the disorder that i definitely did not miss. the numbers are just so consuming. when i was really deep in my disorder before, i had no hobbies, no goals (aside from weight loss) and i didn't think of anything but food, eating, starving, weight, calories, fat, measurements, etc.

so yeah. now the mind-consuming numbers are back, and i'm worried i'm going to lose all my other interests and hobbies like i did before. i hope not, but to keep myself thin i have to be constantly thinking thin. and i have to be thin.

* * * *

in other news, i'm starting the skinny girl diet tomorrow with a group of blogging girls: AAOS, chasingperfect, Ariana, and lovelybones! the support is going to be great, and the daily intake is more than the abc diet, so i'm sure i'll be able to keep to it even with my boyfriend making me eat every night. i'm excited! i'll keep you all informed on how it works out for me, because one thing i always find myself wondering about diets like abc and sgd is: do they actually work?? we'll see how many pounds i drop!

here's the info on the skinny girl diet, if anyone else wants to join in:

measurements

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
chips (100)
canned coffee drink (210)
(310 calories)

dinner:
green beans with low-fat margarine
(90 calories)

total:
400 calories

[edited to change: i originally had a snack of baked apples listed here too which i counted while they were baking. well, i ended up burning them, so in the trash they went. ha. i should burn food more often, saved myself from an extra 100 calories i didn't need.]

* * * * *

so the fast today kind of fell through. i'm a little bummed but not devastated, because if i hadn't snacked, i probably would have binged on a whole box of macaroni and cheese, peanut butter toast and cookies. so these 300 calories aren't the best, but they're a lot better than the 3000 binge calories i avoided.

* * * * *

in other news, i got my scale today (digital, of course). my weight is 155.8. i am pretty tall at 5'8" but still. this puts my bmi at 23.7 and 25+ is overweight. then i calculated some other bmi numbers:

at 130 my bmi will be 19.8.

at 122 my bmi will be right on the border of normal and underweight at 18.5.

and at my goal of 115 my bmi will be 17.5.

i also used a body fat analyzer which told me i have 27.52% body fat. at 155.8 lbs this means i am carrying about 43 lbs of fat on my body. eeeewwwwwwwwwww. just, eeeewwwwwww.

for my starting measurements, my bust is 36, my waist is 30, and my hips are 40 (i have a big butt).

i'm going to weigh myself daily (probably several times per day, ha) but i'm only going to do my bust/waist/hips measurements every few weeks, because those changes will be more gradual.

if any of you ladies are interested, i used this body fat analyzer and this bmi calculator.

hope your weekends are going well! stay strong and always strive for perfection!

fast

breakfast:
green tea with teaspoon of sugar
(15 calories)

lunch:
green tea with teaspoon of sugar (15)
grapes (80)
(95 calories)

dinner:
beef roast (170)
steamed green beans (40)
(210 calories)

total:
320 calories

* * * * *

really happy with my intake today. i worked this morning, so it was easy to do well with breakfast and lunch, and of course dinner with boyfriend was unavoidable.

i'm getting my scale tomorrow after work and i'm a little nervous to see my weight. i kinda don't want to believe i'm 160. i got this number from when i went to the clinic to get a birth control refill. they do my blood pressure and poke my finger with a need to test for iron levels and all that. so 160 is the number i got from that big clunky balance scale with the weights that you slide back and forth. ugh. i'm just remembering the nurse sliding the big 100 weight over, then sliding the little weight up past 20, past 30, past 40, then sliding it back, and sliding the big ugly 150 weight over. my heart just about broke. at least she started with the 100 weight, not the 150. guess i don't look like that much of a fatty.

anyway. intake today was good, getting a scale tomorrow, and also going to try to fast tomorrow. i work in the morning and boyfriend works at night, so we'll miss each other all day. by the time he comes home i can tell him i ate leftovers or something. only water tomorrow! yes, i'm excited. i'll start timing the fast after i finished dinner, so we'll see how many hours i can really go. maybe i can fast all day sunday and only eat at dinner? we'll see!

have a lovely weekend & stay strong!

guilt and goals

breakfast:
venti white mocha
(510 calories)

lunch:
sugar-free gum
(5 calories)

dinner:
part of chicken breast (100)
cooked white rice (160)
steamed green beans (40)
(300 calories)

total:
815 calories

* * * * *

starbucks is my weakness. it's probably also why i've gotten so fat. 500 calories a drink? and sometimes i get a pastry to go with it? no wonder i'm a cow these days. boyfriend left the apartment early this morning and brought me back the starbucks, trying to be sweet, but also making me feel guilty no matter what i do. if i don't drink it, guilty because boyfriend bought it and was trying to be nice and i'm just wasting it. if i drink it, guilty because it's more calories than my daily intake goal. i mean, jesus. i don't even want to think about it. at least it filled me up, and since boyfriend is at work i can skip lunch no problem. worried about dinner though. i'm making chicken and rice, which is pretty small, but still. looking at another thousand calorie day.

* * *

right now i weigh about 160, and i really loathe that number. when i was in high school i had a friend who was really fat. it probably wasn't her fault, because her mom was a whale, but she was the fat girl. she had rolls and flappy arms. and i remember when we got our driver's licenses, i caught a glimpse of her weight. 175 pounds. she was shorter than me, so it really was a lot for her body type. but thinking about that just makes me shudder. i'm 15 pounds away from being the same weight as her. i have guy friends who weigh less than me. ugh.

my first license from when i was sixteen says my weight was 115. in the picture my collar bone is so strong and prominent and pretty. my license from when i turned twenty-one says my weight is 130.

so those are my goals. goal number one is to get back down to 130. goal number two is to get back to 115. 115 just sounds like such a good number. slim, little, tiny. i want to look good in skinny jeans again, not like a sausage squeezed into them.

115. 115. 115. i want to write it on the walls and my arms and just hold onto that number whenever i get hungry or feel horrible.

115. my goal.

bad habits

breakfast:
2 bowls of cereal (240)
each with milk (140)
(380 calories)

lunch:
pasta (400)
olive oil (120)
parmesan cheese (75)
(595 calories)

dinner:
green tea (0)
1/2 tbls honey (30)
(30)

total:
1005 calories
(but it feels like 5,000)

* * * * *

ugh i so didn't want to eat any of this today. i was so happy with yesterday's intake (less than 300 calories!) and i was trying to stay strong, but my boyfriend started going on and on about the cereal we had and I should eat it before it goes bad, and i said i wasn't hungry, and he got on my case about eating breakfast so i was pretty much stuck.

the pasta was a bad habit. it's just sitting on the shelf, and i was the one who bought it (boyfriend doesn't eat pasta) so i felt like i had to eat it. i feel so weak. the breakfast was one thing but i should have stayed strong. instead, after eating the cereal, i just felt like the whole day was wasted so why not eat the pasta? at the very least, i'm getting it out of the house to discourage a possible binge later on. i've been bad about binging in the past. i can eat a whole box of cereal or box of pasta like it's nothing. bad bad bad.

i don't know my exact weight right now, but on friday after work i'll be getting a scale. i have to wait until then because boyfriend will be at work that night. he'd raise his eyebrows at me if i brought home a scale. i really didn't want to be all sneaky around him, i was hoping i wouldn't have to lie and say i'd already eaten when i hadn't, but it seems like it'll happen eventually. i'll just feel really shitty about lying to him. but he doesn't understand how important this is to me.

anyway, today sucked, i feel like crap, and i'll be posting my stats here probably this weekend, which will make me feel even crappier.

stay strong, lovlies!

the beginning

breakfast:
2 cups of coffee, 4 tsp sugar
(80 calories)

lunch:
1 piece of sugar-free gum
(5 calories)

dinner:
2 cups of lettuce (8)
1 small grilled chicken breast (150)
2 tablespoons fat-free italian dressing (10)
1 tablespoon parmesan cheese (25)
(193 calories)

total:
278 calories

* * * * *

i'm off to a pretty good start. i plan on skipping lunch, and dinner will be a salad with fat-free dressing. i'll update my food intake as i go.

lately, my boyfriend and i have been saying we need to eat healthier, so that will be a great asset to me. he's put on a little weight too, and while he'd probably freak if he found out i was back into ana, at least in the beginning it will be nice to be eating healthy with him. he even offered to exercise with me! either way, we've made a deal that we won't eat out anymore (no more greasy restuarant burgers!) and we're going to be eating healthier at home (no more home-made pizza).

we're going shopping for food for the week tomorrow, and i've been looking online for good low-cal low-fat recipes. i'm going to get some grapes (about 100 calories in a cup), some bananas (about 100 calories each), and some green tea. this will be my breakfast for the next week: a cup of green tea or coffee and either 1 cup of grapes or a banana. For dinner we'll have salads (i can probably get away with only eating half) and later in the week i'm going to make a veggie stew that is 135 calories a serving and very filling!

I figure if I can take in 100-130 calories for breakfast, skip lunch or maybe have some broth or veggies (less than 100 calories), and eat a dinner with less than 300 calories (i eat dinner with my boyfriend most nights, so that will be my biggest meal) i'll be right on track! 500 calories a day seems like a good starter goal, and since i've put on so much extra weight (i'm naturally pretty thin) i hope the pounds will start dropping off right away!

and right now my stomach is rumbling and i feel the hunger but i know i'm not going to eat and that makes me feel so good and strong.

first

i've reached a low point.

in high school i was a size zero, ana helped, but i didn't have to try hard to keep it up. i was skinny. tiny.

now i weigh 160 lbs. i'm a size 9 bordering on 11. i eat disgusting things like bacon cheeseburgers and french toast and pasta drowning in sauce and parmesan. i've let myself go. i'm not the adorable skinny girl i was five years ago.

i'm fat.

and it ends today.

i never thought i would go back to ana. i told my parents i was better, i told everyone i was better. but the only way i'll be a better me is to go back to ana. ana will make me strong and beautiful and skinny and free.

ana will make me better.

this will be my online diary. i will always be anonymous. all you need to know is that i am a 23 year old girl living in a big city in california. i'm not in school anymore. i work at a restuarant. i live with my boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment that we pay way too much for.

living with my boyfriend is part of the reason i'm doing this online. i don't want to leave a notebook laying around where he might find it. that's exactly how my parents found out about my ana in high school. so i will blog. i will keep track of my calories, my fat, my exercises. i will keep track of my weight. i am 160 now, and my goal is 115. that's how much i weighed in high school. and i want to go back.

i also think blogging will help. i'll be leaving a record, my goals and food will be written down and saved. it will make me more accountable. will i really want to eat that cookie when i know i'll have to tally it up and report it on the blog? and when i'm feeling hungry instead of going to the kitchen, i can come to the blog and write.

it starts now. a new, better me.

welcome to my blog. you can call me ana.